CHOMPFEST 2023

Let’s understand why this movie isn’t in the dreaded land of DOA cemetery, it’s because while comparing it to the other marked graves it doesn’t reek to their rotting corpse level. Thereby recalling some of the dredge of shark movies that lay dormant Attack of the Jurassic Shark [2012], Raiders of the Lost Shark (2015), 90210 Shark Attack (2014), Sharkenstein (2016), 5-Headed Shark Attack [2017], Virus Shark [2021], and prior to this land discovery was Shark Exorcist [2015] these dreaded films have no plots, terrible audio, nonexistent acting skills, and nothing, however, while things sinking in so many categories it keeps itself afloat, barely. In addition, most of the films in the wasteland of DOA are often under a rating of 2.0 on the IMDb and my reviewing of cinema has grown greatly.

It’s clearly obvious why this film was made as to cash in on the box office windfall of The Meg [2018] which came out on August 8, and this film released on August 13, aside from the cast, plot borrows a little bit from the film but otherwise every regard this film is thoroughly different. The Asylum studios employs as director James Thomas (Run Like Hell [2014]) who would also assist in screenwriting duties along with Canyon Price (KillCam: Live [2012]) and Koichi Petetsky (6-Headed Shark Attack [2018]) who all work on the film  from a story hatched by Thunder Levin (Sharknado [2013]) that would eventually receive a television release via Syfy. We have learned from numerous low budget studios the Megalodons have ferocious appetites, they’ll munch and chomp on airplanes and oil rigs, submarines and grow to be at least 70 feet long, yet still take time out to terrorize swimmers, gobbling down teenagers and roar every chance they get.

Just like the movie The Meg it starts with a rescue submarine mission, from US Navy of course this after a large predator took a bite out of a Russian submarine wiping out the entire crew except with executive officers, Captain Ivanov (Ego Mikitas (Nazi Overlord [2018])) and Yana (Aimee Stolte (Fear Pharm [2020])) with a lame story of whale watching surveillance, um yeah from underwater using sonar only, sure makes sense. Actually, they were trying to gain access to US data lines of something, it’s unimportant. This mission is led by Commander Lynch (Caroline Harris (My Nightmare Landlord [2020])) who seems to have a strong desire counterattack orders throughout the film in every possible situation, and has far-out thoughts about their current situation, though it’s never mentioned how and why the shark is present after being extinct for over 2.6-million years ago, alas who cares. However, on the way back the mini sub is swallowed by a Megalodon, the Captain Streper (Dominic Pace (Follow Me [2020])) he and his crew work to resolve the issue which leads to an argument with visiting Admiral King (Michael Madsen (Species [1995])), sporting the most unbelievable haircut for that of a ranking officer or enlisted personnel in the Naval Command.

Wow – That Hair… What is on his cap???

The Megalodon seems to have an amazing ability to keep changing its body size to suit each frame of footage, and make sure to keep a bloodless feature from occurring of the screen.

6-months worth of beef-bouy – Really?

A lot of strange confusing plot moments occur with plenty of nonsensical babble about the Russians, the Shark and with all the steak in the meat locker to attract the shark to the frozen meat patties. By the way the amount used for ‘chum’ is supposedly enough steak to last 6-months but looks horrible and few patties only, place on an electrified buoy with fire axes attacks created Cheng (Paulina Nguyen (Triassic World [2018])); a similar device used at the end of The Meg, but that movie’s reasoning and creation was way cooler.  Oh, there’s a seriously disjointed scene of the shark swallowing a whole small day-cruise fishing yacht and with it two fishermen, it appears as the shark is grinning.

YUM!

The shark returns as a long running shoot-out is occurring on the multiple decks of the warship, and the megalodon keeps ramming the side of the vessel over and over the same scene repeats. It all happens until we get to a dumb conclusion with King triumphant over a resting meg that tore a huge open on the side of navy ship and he puts his cigar on the head of the beast before ka-boom!

One Big CGI Explosion!

Aftermath of the explosion…

As for determination where the letdown exists, past the mere plot, that is simple as the scenes all through unmemorable and easily forgotten messes. The dialogues sequence is horrendously sluggish and switches to over dramatization for the situation assisted by the lack of rehearsal and a military adviser. The visual effects are dreadful the ocean appears far too clear, the shark is not very lifelike, at times looks more like a stationary image. The weapons used by the Russians and US Sailors are extremely fake, that typical way-too shiny black of smaller sized rifles works in losing more respectable for the film. An interesting side note, Dominic Pace’s name appears in the credits, with a second billing, is strangely not on the IMDb credits which are listed as complete, it’s always curious why that happens, is someone not proud of their work on the movie. Although the mystery goes deeper on his individual IMDb page it is not listed nonetheless, on his Actors Access resume Page it is noted as a lead role, Any takers on this quandary?

Lastly, a bit of trivia, the ship used for this movie was the S.S. Lane Victory, a now defunct military vessel from World War II, Korean War and Vietnam War currently docked in California serving as a museum; hence the reason one might see the brass fittings and lack of modern monitoring equipment.

One knows what to expect from Asylum studios, an empty feeling be the credits, whether those are opening or closing you know exactly what you are getting yourself into with viewership. Some might find themselves laughing at this so-called movie, but not in a good way, but the fans of Madsen likely keep the ratings up for this cinematic garbage. The pacing as well as the numerous filmmaking details all present as incomplete, resulting in more low marks for this dull flick.

TAGLINES:

• Danger Is Rising!
• Go ahead…You tell *her* she’s extinct.
• You can bet she won’t eat just one.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8235660/

IMDb Rating: 2.8/10

Baron’ Rating: 2.3/10

Followed by:

Megalodon Rising [2021]