CASE NUMBER #013
Often horror fans debate the greatest horror film ever made usually settling upon conditions, subgenres, and decades as horror conceptual designs change with newer generations, however many nitpick what’s the worst, many choose Troll 2 (1990) likely because of the dreadful content or what’s often mentioned. Nevertheless, fans dislike much, and the pile grows, and while those contain many 2.5 rated films and many 3.0 movies, here at DOA the rotting corpses, unwanted by the rats and bugs decay peacefully, and this time the surf might be up in California but the interest lays in a cesspool of $#!t.
AUTOPSY OF THE FILM:
One of the harder films to decipher for the DOA Reviews, 90210 Shark Attack makes no sense, likely director David DeCoteau (Prison of the Dead ) worst abomination on film ever, no way to sugar coat, the movie suffers on many levels except no technique aside from a plot or storyline, distributed by Rapid Heart Pictures. He found himself early in his career working for Roger Corman and later Full Moon founder Charles Band delivering nearing 30 movies, so after 30-years giving audience this rotting corpse of a flick one can only wonder where the one million dollar budget vanished. One may surmise it went to secure the only location used in the film a luxury homestead, likely in Beverly Hills. A recently collaborator name Charlie Meadows, screenwriter who has 5-films with David penned this mess, about a haunted shark tooth. Oh please, SyFy films could’ve created more suspense and action than what this reviewer witnessed on the screen, and yes I made it all the way through the… ahem… film.
The shortest plot summary possible Alyssa has a haunted shark tooth on her necklace, which transforms her into a partial shark to kill poolside. After each kill contains reoccurring shots, signs of Rodeo Drive and Beverly Hills, a stock footage of a beach and more stock of sharks some in aquariums.
There you go, after all it’s a 75-minute movie with 10-minutes for intro and outro credits, if watched, one hopes you avoid your shark driven addiction, but you’ll learn if given a million dollars don’t make these inflicting wounds to your production, watch Puppet Master 4 (1993), no reason just better. The only standout actor in this yawn fest – Donna Wilkes, most recognized for her role in Jaws 2 (1978), otherwise, the rest of the actors leave much to desire. Though if you only seek desire, then much of the cast enjoys showing their buff bodies, especially the guys, with Pamela (Donna) ogling one for 3-minutes of screen time.
In the real estate business it’s all about location, location, location, and the same presented here for the establishing shots normally 30-seconds however, with a zip code in the title we all know the area, nevertheless tourist attractions and constantly showing the Beverly Hills and Rodeo Drive signs. At the prized house, the audience witnesses three separate repetitive scenes of couples entering to the house, for no other reason but to awe at the magnificent foyer and grand-staircase. If fact you add the minutes of people entering into the house, walking up stairs and exiting into the backyard you’ll average 15 minutes of this wasted time. For those keeping track: 75-minutes total, minus 10, lessen by 3, subtract 15 more minutes – 47 minutes left for storytelling and action, but seriously its less than all of that too.
For those seeking a deeper look into the plot of this movie, here goes it a group supposed high school students (yeah right) studying Oceanography on a weekend getaway for extra credit, except they never show anything involving the ocean. Meanwhile, Alyssa’s (Stephanie Shemanski), father committed atrocities against group of islanders and cursed the shark tooth that she wears – the tooth looks a tad too fresh to fit the timeline. Alyssa turns into a shark partially – really see!
She kills poolside multiple times leaving bodies no one sees them, in the same positions no need to change it up, who’ll notice, better yet who’ll care. If fact when she kills, sorry for the spoilers I’m trying to save your time, sanity and eyesight from hideous excuse of a horror film, you get a another establishing shot of a skyline, the location signs, beach, stock footage of sharks and back to the house’s fountain. Don’t worry if you miss it, the shot returns three more times from the same angle and a fourth time from the opposite side.
CAUSES OF DEATH:
DeCoteau delivers a flick that contains smooth audio, clean shots, no noticeable issues, aside from a terrible dialogue, which adds to the incomplete and unentertaining plot of nothingness. Although, you might notice a hint of the legendary Friday the 13th (1980) music after the first kill, as it comes from Harry Manfredini, and contains the cheesiest opening synth score reminiscent of the 80s. Otherwise, this movie contains no suspense, comical CGI shark’s head and nothing to hold anyone’s attention.
SUMMARY FROM INVESTIGATOR:
Many other b-movie and even z-grade quality flicks dealing with sharks have more entertainment worth, such as the Sharknado series, this though suffers from absurdity, unspectacular, uninteresting and thoroughly wastes everyone’s time.
IMDb rating: 1.7/10
DOA rating: 1.5/10
DVD available for $9.99 here:
Trailer – watch this instead of the movie: