CASE NUMBER #005:
As one can now figure this column DOA – Dead on Arrival films that one needs not to waste their time with as this reviewer, sacrifices their time, mind, and vision to the agony in this flick. It’s known that I adore the horror genre, a Horror Historian, however some movies scatter the graveyard, and no amount of help can rescue them from their rotting spot. Therefore once again, it is time for us to uncover the next corpse, this time from director Brett Kelly, known for his work on My Fair Zombie (2013) and The Feral Man (2002) comes this 2012 flick Attack of the Jurassic Shark, a 75-minute eyesore. Sometimes bad movies, work, for their insane antics and intended laughter, and then other ones, well they flounder badly, unable to escape the execution of horrendously bad cinema. One might ask is it really worse than Birdemic (2010), no not really, this is just coming first in alphabetical order, actually the movies fairly well tie well with each other. The special effect work tries to save the movie, but drowns along with the dialogue, though the film still exceeds by securing distribution from TomCat Films and ultimately Wild Eye Releasing. Kelly used a script from David A Lloyd, who later went onto to pen Raiders of the Lost Shark and additional dialogue, crafted by Trevor Payer who worked with Brett of some of his future projects.
Many shark films saturate the market over the years, thanks mostly to SyFy; however those creations present some true cheese, perhaps swiss, unlike this flick, which is limburger. The title of the movie, takes a little time to cast itself upon the screen, in a teeth jaw grin, and that cool aspect fills the positive side of the production, from their one looks for a Sharknado installment.
AUTOPSY OF THE FILM:
Ah, let’s begin; the story starts with an evil corrupt corporation drilling for oil a tad too deep and unleashing an extinct Megalodon trapped in an ice chamber under a lake. First, the shark was the only thing in the chamber, how does it survive, suspended animation and besides that, a very badly created explosion releases the predator, none of this accounts for either the timeline of the existence for this beast. The scientist, actual character name, not even corrupt doctor, (Sherry Thurig) who knows about the permafrost, but makes sweeping illogical remarks on sharks, to Dr. Lincoln Grant (Jurgen Vollrath), who’s in charge of the project. Next is the introduction of two bikini wearing ladies that paddled to the island or area where all this drilling occurs, with a dry paddle and not boat or canoe in sight. They have the worst up close shaky cam moments followed by an over extended splashing (and annoying sound of it) each other that likely ever occurred in a horror flick. The displeasure of the scene decreases quickly with the cinematography incredibly lacking, the framing of the scene becomes wobbly as if a form of found footage camera work. Then the shark, huge according to the foreword at the start of the movie 50 ft in length swims in the shallows and no one sees the fins, until Tiffany (Sarah Mosher) vanishes below the surface leaving Brittany (Kala Gray) to panic in the water – gulp! But wait, there’s more, two other storylines fit into this exciting film, first an art heist and a crew of inept thieves headed by Barb (Angela Parent) and a college group researching some sort of study on illegal drilling. However, after many other technical story issues, the movie becomes more of the shark’s digestive noises, needless to say best that the shark stays off the screen as this beast appears as fake as possible (the under sizes never matching the storyline) the shark in Finding Nemo looks far superior to this one. The b-movie qualities lose themselves completely, no attempts to campy or cheesy dialogue , and the driest references of sexual innuendos never materializes in a refreshing manner, it all feels lifeless.
The lack of tension drags on as wet cement, becomes a series of groans and signs after the hour mark, with Tia (Christine Emes) trying to light the fakest wrapped dynamite ever, resulting in more horrendous CGI work. One more continuity issue, of superhero power for characters, Jill (Emanulle Carriere) to emerge from the water and be completely dry, and not injured from an explosion of blood and guts. Before the lengthy credits a hint to a sequel delivers itself in goofy manner complete with two fishermen and Kimberly Wolfe credited with ‘beer girl and a supersized shark. The films closes out with the French word FIN (get it a play on words… ha-ha… even The Meg  even used that tactic) and over 12-minutes of credits.
CAUSES OF DEATH:
The movie fills itself with atrocious acting, and the dialog sadly falls flat, yet sometimes one needs to write a script to certain specifics (i.e. one location) or in this case no budget, and therefore, short choppy twitter-like dialog serves best. This allows the camera presentation to stay with the skimpy dressed college students; however, it leans slightly more out of favor with the sad framing skills and tilting of the camera. Nevertheless the problems, continue, the special effects fail quickly, and sometimes very bad usage would generate laughs not this time, though Birdemic might have the worst CGI but you can chuckle at it. In addition, the continuity runs amok, along with the glaring firearms mistake, remember filmmaker that guns, nine times out of ten are all black in color, but if the tip is orange, hence not real, so when the utterance of the line threatens violence one cannot help but groan and laugh. Aside from the issues of framing, acting, dialogue and special effects, a major one that helps a film massively centers on sound, and awhile many independent projects battle with this, most succeed very well, not here it becomes awful, the microphone settings not correct or the distance to the actors incorrect, but something is definitely amiss. Lastly, the roar of the sharks sounds like sickly bullfrog – oh scary.
SUMMARY FROM INVESTIGATOR:
As one likely can tell this film, consists of the warnings to avoid, even the pure silliness attitude cannot save the production, sometimes a shark movie does stink up the area, and Jurassic Shark (original title) does just that, rather see the attack of the killer skunks at least then one could stand the god wretched stench.
IMDb Rating: 1.5/10
DOA Reviews Rating: 1.5 (the title helps, just the words)