CASE NUMBER #010:
I clearly have no clue how to start this review, it might be the toughest to date, as I could have written a profanity tirade but that’s not my style rather taking the time to complete an autopsy of why this movie exists in the land of the DOA reviews. As for this one, important warning, this terrible film needs a complete avoidance by you the readers, it struggles after just 10-minutes, and physically drains one of any energy. If you need to fall asleep but can’t then watch this, you’ll think it’s 4-hours long by the 60-minute mark. Critics’ unanimously agree it’s the Worst Movie Ever, at the time I likely would agree however since watching more films, and creating this column, a disagreement likely to arise with a tie between Ax ‘Em (1992) and Amityville Exorcism (2017).
The director of this incredibly dreadful production, James Nguyen, also responsible for the script and producing it through his company Moviehead Productions and all of it in thorough failure, even though it generated a strange cult following, but not in the positive sense rather one of humiliation and equal laughter of the creator and the flick. This led to Severin Films picking it up for distribution for both DVD and later Blu-ray, as it became a running joke, after all James tried (successfully – sort of) to market it during the 2009 Sundance Festival, while his own flyers for the film spelled the title incorrectly. I’m confused of how that happens, your movie and you are doing the promo work. It even led to a documentary from VICE media, all trying to understand James’ direction and dedication, to a $10,000 production based off his hero Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds (1963) and even tried to channel The Master of Suspense’s directing style from Marnie (1964), all in downward spiral flush. A full blown insult to Hitchcock, and to Tippi Hedren as she gets an archive footage credit (her image – her head – appears on a television screen for about a second), the third person named on the credits.
AUTOPSY OF THE FILM:
As for a plot harder to determine, as the film contains zero direction and the lamest dialogue and wooden acting, and that doesn’t include numerous other issues (I’ll inform you of the garbage later). You have Rod (Alan Bagh) cruising for the longest time, with a slanted camera in his car (foreshadowing the slippery slope to despair for all) during which the title for Supporting Casts appears – the movie has more than one – noting the ‘s’ on word Casts? Anyway he stops in a small town walks into a diner with an odd waitress who flubs the line hello (audio help ASAP)! Rod goes into serial killer mode to stare at a former high school crush Nathalie (Whitney Moore) now a fashion model; he begins his version of stalking her down a street and a series of back and forth one line dialogue and cut scenes and exchange of business cards. Later endless watching of Rod driving – oh how exciting – to his office where one witnesses atrocious acting. Rod is about to make himself a financial powerhouse, seeing him close a software sale for $1-million dollars with a 50% discount, and then find out his company purchased for $100 billion dollars, cash stock options it happens every day, and a week later this rep starts a solar company and gets a $10 million dollar investment. By the way Nguyen, a software rep and filmmaker, states the film is more of a romantic thriller and part horror. On what planet? Nathalie is doing photo shoots at a 1-hour place, its where fashion models go in the business, she gets a call and was told she has been named a Victoria Secret model. Then a call from Rod to meet up for dinner, and creepy comment on lingerie from him, they agree and hang up – never told where or when. Later we learn Rod drives a Mustang “it gets 100 miles to the gallon because it is 100% electric” WTF!
After 40-minutes the birds attack, on how we all wish they wouldn’t, they do look terrible and not in a good way. Rod and Nathalie enjoy passionate dull sex, in a motel room (doesn’t he have a house since he’s a multi-millionaire – cheapskate) by morning the birds attack and both get dressed as they were when they got into bed, and then their actions go completely goofy. Soon they’re in another room meeting ex-Marine named Ramsey (Adam Sessa), his girlfriend Becky (Catherine Batcha) Rod lost his keys in his motel room. Anyway, time to defend themselves with clothes hangers – does this make sense? Then we go to the van, which they begin the shooting with automatic weapons, very fake looking but by this point the laughter and groans don’t matter. When the birds attack, many times no birds in the sky and when you see them the some do a merry-go-round dance for no reason. Again WTF?
They pull up seeing dead people and grab up two children Susan and Tony (Janae Caster and Colton Osborne, one who was in the trunk of a car), no seriously, they drive on to a convenience store, and now Becky is missing from the car – it’s okay, likely stuck at a real job. The group takes a scene from 28 Days Later (2002) looking for booze while grabbing water. Then pull over for picnic during a bird attack – obviously everyone does it, and kids playing happily with a ball. Rod meets a masked Dr. Jones (Rick Camp) and tells them to say away and informs them he’s an Orthologist (says correctly) wanted to say ornithologist and warns them, the environmental changes are causing hell, and some more instances of SARS and bird-flu caused by global warning. Later more bird attacks as cast members die off, or just quit the film, take your pick, some of these pitiful strikes from the birds exploding when hitting the ground and gas stations but never blowing them up.
CAUSES OF DEATH:
The problems with the movie actually mount in an endless pile of worthless abomination and the worst special effects next to part two. The clip-art birds also contain acid blood always leaving facial cheek scars. The audio sinks the movie faster than a cruise ship, with hissing microphones, no audio at all, longer establishing shot of silence, too loud of repetitive screeching birds and music. The cinematographer just incredibly misguided, and the shots and angles look like someone who is drunk or the inability of framing correctly. Nintendo’s duck hunt birds are better than these birds; and the simple script and along with the performances all very awkward and improper, a homemade porno does better.
Oh wait! During a news cast, which shows from the neck up and a television screen showing stock car race footage has “Getty Images” super-imposed over it, too cheap to buy the actual stock footage, a bit of a legal issue huh?
While it might sound hilarious, it’s not, and that is the joke and yet the director thinks it’s a masterpiece, the audience following at the time and sees the humiliation of the production not the praise. It’s hard to make it through in one sitting, and the pains of the ineptness climb exponentially, no enjoyment, a waste of time in the horror realm. Is it a so bad so good scenario, no it isn’t, the errors mount often, and the entire movie drowns in bird crap.
Unfortunately, James Nguyen made a part 2 of this terrible film. You can stay clear of that as well.
IMDb rating: 1.8/10 (13,570 gave it a 1 while 2,550 gave it 10)
DOA Rating: 1.5/10
Available on Blu-ray for $20.27 https://www.amazon.com/Birdemic-Terror-Blu-ray-Alan-Bagh/dp/B004EI2NWW/
Want more Birdemic swag for a fireside chat: http://www.birdemic.com/