CHOMPFEST 2023

This movie is horrendously atrocious, and very little saves it from becoming one our infamous ‘DOA Reviewed’ films, and that salvation is the form of using a rarity in nature showcased in the film, yes, the two heads. That concept is based from the principle of a 2-headed animal which is called polycephaly or dicephaly which occurs when the embryo begins to split into identical twins, however the separation doesn’t fully occur, yet still allow both heads to be functionally independent, hence to feed either at the same time on two different prey or the same.  For the curious this condition in animals has existed for at least 150-million years, namely found in snakes, bulls, sharks, and many other species. This condition isn’t solely limited to the animal kingdom in humans it is known as conjoined twins. The film has terrible effects, lousy dialogue, awful storyline as the production studio was The Asylum and distribution was through both straight to DVD and Syfy. Those responsible for this mess was Christopher Ray (Minutes to Midnight [2018]) and the story concept came way of Edward DeRuiter and actual screenplay was written by H. Perry Horton (Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark [2014]).

Now I really don’t think anyone is expecting an understandable plot review as it doesn’t fully exist, this is because one will witness some scenes and kills in a repetitive cycle with slight angle changes. Nevertheless, I will attempt the near impossible, it is about a semester-at-sea course, which was developed at some fly-by-night university aboard the US Education Vessel Sea King (seriously the Education Dept owns yachts?) with the students trying to learn how to navigate with a sextant instead of relying on GPS and other marine noteworthy jargon. These students are college age, far more interested biology, and vanity, as its buff dudes and numerous bikini clothed ladies which some believe they are at a photo shoot for their appearance/ poses. Their vessel runs over or gets tangled with the carcass of a shark causing massage damage to the prop and some flooding rendered it a desperate situation – oh the radio antenna was destroyed too. Meanwhile, a 2-headed shark is in their vicinity unbeknownst to them, Professor Franklin Babish (Charlie O’Connell (Mischief Night [2013])), who doesn’t seem to know much about anything, but will be referred to as Captain by the ship’s Captain (confused don’t worry – no one is watching this movie for cinematic wonderment) this incredible sight will not have any rationale answers given for its existence, more on the shark in a moment. Anne (Carmen Electra (An American Vampire Story [1997])), Charlie’s wife and Captain Laura (Morgan Thompson) suggest best to put the ‘kids’ on a nearby atoll until repairs are made from Han (Gerald Webb (Zombie Apocalypse [2011])) and Dikilla (Anthony E. Valentin), of course in these films when it rains-it-pours situation is developing this so-called little island, amazing vast with elevation and even a once small fishing community complete building structure. Yep, the atoll is sinking back under the waves just as they arrive, but of course, normalcy in these films. The film’s stars a vast collection of or tissue thin paper cut-outs of characters that include some stereotypes as a typical complainer Lyndsey (Shannan Stewart (House of Blood [2013])), Cole (Geoff Ward (Swamp Ape [2017])) whose selfish results in his own comeuppance, and brainiac Paul (David Gallegos) (Mandao of the Dead [2018])) all for shark fodder. Ray makes sure to treat the screams and panic equally among both men and women, such as Liza (Mercedes Young (Flight 666 [2018])) and Alex (Ben Anklam (The Bell Witch Haunting [2013])), while Kate (Brooke Hogan (Sand Sharks [2012])) is revealed first unable to swim but is highly skilled in being able to fix boats, repair generators because her father was a welder, always a good reason especially since she knows how to build explosive devices from old oil barrels found on the atoll. WOW what an island! The body count quickly adds up as the monster chomps on plenty of youthful folks and forgets about learning the names they are all forgotten quickly enough, as the shark plays volley with his prey. Oh, for the T&A crowd their Skinny Dipping, Sun-bathing from Anne, on the upper deck of a supposedly sinking ship with some light rock music played over the scene and with rickety boat racing. Honestly, the last 20 minutes defy logic and any words to describe thoroughly escae this reviewer’s abilities.

While a quick reference is made about abnormalities occurring in nature concerning the 2-heads, it is dismissed without any true follow-up, as for the appearance of the sinking vessel, it never appears to be listing, and underwater shots lack the damage.

Doesn’t appear to be sinking

There’s plenty of hyper-editing cuts for no apparent reasons, accompanied by excessive camera movements and even unnecessary scenes that just add to the runtime doing nothing to advance the storyline, if one even existed. The dialog is very poor, accompanied by dreadful acting all assisted by both atoll that keeps changing in size and scope from ariel shots as does the shark, it really must be something in the water for The Asylum to keep doing that aspect in their shark flicks.

The CGI effects aim for their best on the cheapest budget but in the end  aren’t very realistic at end, even for a fake shark that seems to grow missing teeth very quickly. The Sea King seems to adverttise Deep Sea Fishing, that is incredible U.S. Educational vessel…

U.S. Educational Vessel or Deep Sea Fishing Charter

One thing that bothers this reviewer the most is how the same scenes are replayed and reused, leading to more nonsensical edits. While some might think this flick makes for fun cheesy b-movie enjoyed, with the bad dialog, plenty of T&A however sorry to disappoint but it lacks that true essence found quality b-movies like Chopping Mall [1986] or Night of the Demons [1988]. Oh yes, don’t worry just in Jaws: The Revenge [1987] these two shark heads deliver the improbable roar, cause why add more ridiculous to such a bad film.

TAGLINE: 1 Body, 2 Heads and 6,000 Teeth!

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2043757/

IMDb Rating: 2.5/10

Baron’s Rating: 2.1/10

Followed by:

3-Headed Shark Attack (Video 2015)

5 Headed Shark Attack (TV Movie 2017)

6-Headed Shark Attack (TV Movie 2018)