CASE NUMBER #0045
For those unaware of DOA existence, everyone states they have seen the worst movie, never really defining that at all, but with a shrug and say, “I didn’t like it,” sorry but that is not a valid argument. Here, I provide that reasoning is fully explored, what made the movie a stinker like rotten food, a film beyond redemption or rescuing just looking at our abandon ambulance photo, clearly stating the wretched mess. Now I have tormented my eyes you need never waste them on this.
A lab or school office?
The word pandemic is nothing new in the horror genre, many of the classic zombie films are based on this conceptual design, but what has changed is the incorporating of covid or corona either into a title or subplot element, which was a safe bet was going to occur at some point. However, some took it well, you can guess too far if you are reading this column, yeah, a pandemic thriller meets covid, with sharks. The poor animal, ‘shark’ once fear in so many movies from Jaws [1975] to the ridiculous Jaws: The Revenge [1987]; with small blips of interest of The Shallows [2016] or 47 Meters Down [2016], but sadly Wild Eye Releasing as well as The Asylum and SRS Cinema, sing lesser creativity CGI to crank out these ultra-low budget productions. Heading up this beyond silly endeavor is none other than director and filmmaker Mark Polonia, who took less than one year to create this dreadful fish food, however he also has a bit of shark addiction problem. You see, Mark needs to come grips with his obsession with the sea beast, he has over five other films on this topic, they are Sharkenstein (2016), Land Shark (2017), Shark Encounters of the Third Kind (2020), Jurassic Shark 2: Aquapocalypse (2021), Noah’s Shark (2021), Amityville in Space (2022), Sharkula (2022), and finally Doll Shark [2022] likely not his last. Although, he wasn’t always a director, to feed his fetish and/or addiction there was time he produces, acted, and even once provided special effects on Snow Shark: Ancient Snow Beast [2011]. The screenplay is penned by Aaron Drake who had previously worked with Mark, and really don’t expect much, as the story incorporates everything into it, from Deep Blue Sea [1999] to DeepStar Six [1989] and even the classic Warning Sign [1985] and cannibal flicks, while the actual flick is clearly filmed in a high school more on that later. The answer to the question if want to see it, is if you have seen Mark Polonia films then you know what to expect, which is often no respect to the viewers.
the lab – overhead shot
the lab – side view or a upside dowb glass
AUTOPSY OF THE FILM:
Since the film is only 74-inutes long, it opens with a dreadful narration trying to place the viewer further along the storyline, just a major problem the person’s voice is like a mindless drone, as if this is a one-time take and first time reading the wording. It incorporates the current news stories of quarantines, a rampant virus transmitted through shark bites, which means if you get bitten and survive) you pass it along to others – um okay – so it is expanding on a concept introduce in Toxic Shark [2017]. Finally, the dullest voice ends by stating that a government lab filled with scientists and military personnel are the last hope for humanity survival, yep, a theme of Day of the Dead [1985]. The lab is located 800-meters below the surface which would mean only accessible by a Triton Ultra-deep dive submarine two-seater (which incidentally can theoretically plunge to 11,000 meters), that’s definitely not deployed herein – but who cares.
As a result of a shark attack off the Australian coast, SHVID-1 spread from sharks to humans and result of people’s unwillingness to stay away from the beaches, it becomes a full-blown pandemic. Meanwhile the five crewmembers of the underwater Cygnus Research Facility are Earth’s last hope among them is Kristi (Jamie Morgan) a Shark expert, who works long frustrating hours studying and testing shark samples with her team partner is Anne (Natalie Himmelberger) is also doing the same another researcher. Then there is a facility engineer Rikter D’Amato (Steve Diasparra) who discovers their lab structure is starting to leaking with seawater seeping thanks to aggressive sharks, who doesn’t do much else but look at the plumbing of an obvious high school building’s maintenance room – oops I mean a secret underwater governmental lab. I must not overlook facility boss Greg (Titus Himmelberger) the disease specialist who is conspiring to steal the vaccine and sell off to highest bidder who is working with Shannon (Sarah Duterte) an above ground project coordinator – a hint of Resident Evil [2002]. Oh, by the way there’s a security officer, Duke (Ken Van Sant) the action hero, utter terrible one-line lines. The tensions among them severely boil over, with many sniping at each other, which leads to a corpse suddenly biting Anne, meanwhile Duke suffers a shark bite too. The chaos spirals out of control very quickly, especially with such as scant runtime. When they the filmmakers realize the high school/college location pitifully acting as an underwater lab uses up limited classrooms time to head up (out) to the grounds for the final quarter portion of the show. The problem with this add-on, it serves no purpose except to pad a weak storyline, thoroughly incoherent for the little plot actually exists.
Shhh we’re filming in a Classroom… oops I mean a government underwater lab.
FINDINGS OF POSSIBLE DEATH:
the underwater maintenance room – or really inside a school
As is customary on a Polonia movie, there’s a complete lack of details, so let’s explore all the faults of this horrendous film, understanding that none of it was done for intended laughs, no in fact they strived for true horror flick. The sharks are heavy cheese meets cheapness scale, resulted in sheer goofy plot suggestions, which added to the poorly created CGI sharks.
common items found in any underwater lab
As for the set, well, the computers of this high tech are never on, and often filing cabinets are turned around so that the drawer labels aren’t shown, sheesh shabby. It’s one thing to have so-so acting, but when you have a crew that lacks the basic set design skills it forces one to view the extremely tight budget. Then the pool to house the sharks, obviously a school of “fish” with those infamous ropes for land designation, and other hints that this a school second the concrete walls, a maintenance room clearly a utility room in a school and finally some children’s artwork hanging on the walls, really no joke why not photograph it beforehand, remove the film, and then replace, not that difficult. Well, it tries for the b-movie path of the 60s of model miniatures never pulls off the quality of that effect, which leads to a series of other effects rendering in horrific consequences. Still needing more groans how about awful props, rubber masks instead of practical effects.
pool ropes for swimming lanes
SUMMARY OF CASE AND AUTOPSY:
There’s been a simple understanding in cinema, two types of representations, in a group one of those that start out bad and over each new project gets better, no special effects person wants to be the worst, they made errors, but they strive to better their work. Then there’s the second group these are folks who are constantly bad, the improvements are almost nonexistent, they know no awards await them, and making awful movies is an okay way to make a living and enjoy some screen time. Since I’m not a fan Polonia’s work why review it? The answer is simple it’s my job to review all horror films, not to show favoritism, though could say I do that by reviewing Hitchcock movies, but I still slice and dice them fairly. This movie is beyond rough, it is truly worthless and unwatchable it doesn’t make any sense, very amateurish and yet still better by Shark Exorcist [2015], but not by much.
Taglines:
NONE
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt13785940/
wonder what she’s measuring – IQ to watch the movie?
IMDb Rating: 1.7/10
Baron’s Rating: 1.5/10