CASE NUMBER #126
Here is another review that must not escape the wrath of the DOA Graveyard, it like a few others found itself discovered before the location of Dead Horror Films, after careful examination, which didn’t need much, the result equals a deep burial for this carcass.
AUTOPSY OF THE FILM:
A struggle with these movies, staying seated the entire time, and never fast forward through them, rather enduring the mental anguish and visual tortures knowing that aspiring filmmakers struggle to make quality productions while these wretched creations live on torturing others unsuspecting of this garbage. Sorority House Vampires, from director Geoffrey de Valois known for such creations as Vampire Centerfolds (1998), which incidentally a majority of the cast starred in too and The Dark Gift (2009) another vampire flick. Although Valois has his first non-vampire flick Secret in Provence (2019) a #MeToo thriller. In addition, the story concept headed by Dennis Devine known for such wonderful movies as Things (1993), Vampires of Sorority Row (1999), and recently Lizzie Borden’s Revenge (2013). It received a sales release from Brentwood Home Video in 2004, a company that, delivers over 260 films, some that, likely become fixtures on the column in the future. Oh god! This entire film, became my internal struggle to sit through, as the storyline surrounds vampires, but all aspects of it fail to work, and falter on a rather pitiful excuse for anything contain in it. When one sees or reads a title of a horror movie that starts Sorority House instantly Sorority House Massacre (1986) or even The House on Sorority Row 1983) springs to mind, both that be consider Oscar worthy to mess of a film. Alright lets get to this piece by piece…
One thing really determines how this movie fairs overall, a cast member made this film and then turns it to a life of porn movies, usually it’s the other way around. Many of the scenes feature either soft-core or simulated explicit sex acts, now horror fans know the genre contains a good amount of T&A, but this one goes over the top, but for no reason. In fact, this film actually obtains a few different versions, a release in 3D thoroughly useless, and a wraparound story to bookend the main, none of these work to enhance the flick. Honeycutt released the movie three more times after the initial 1995 cut, with Sorority House Vampires: From Hell in 1998.
The film contains lengthy opening credits, while a woman dances topless in front of an odd pink background, and the screen oversaturated with more pink color resolution, and tentacles. Unknown industrial metal infused music plays in the background and overwhelms any other dialogue though some believe the woman dancing is none other than Annie Body (as a Succubi). Then an alien demon named Rabaalhazor appears in voice only (Sean Roddy) in which he cursed Earth’s civilization and damns it to vampires and zombies, or something like this. Doesn’t really, as he finishes, the dancing resumes with blurry images involving sex toys, for another 5-minutes, with perhaps Penny Lynn (a hung jury viewing these ladies) why – who knows or cares, though back then harder to find free porn to enjoy, as opposed to today. The downfall Rabaalhazor warned us about infects society.
So, the story really starts in a very discolored grayscale, with a girl walking through a very cheap looking graveyard, knocking over a grave marker and runs into another girl, this one in a cape and cowl – ah sorority girls – ha-ha. Then a third girl springs up from her grave and tries to bite the other two girls, this horror fans, is our star vampire Natalia (Eugenie Bondurant). The audience learns that she consumes the blood of nine people, significant of the detail no reason, just a number and Natalie looking directly into the camera and telling us. UGH – almost over – not even close…
Meanwhile a very dumb second storyline starts with goofy clumsy pitiful excuse of a Dracula, herein called Count Vlad, portrayed by Robert Bucholz, a star of over 30 horror flicks including Tokyo Gore Police. Vlad enjoys the corniest comedic attempts that include financial market reference to the dread junk bonds. By the way, folks, this bumbling shmuck Natalie’s husband, who’s just creeping out of his flimsy coffin in a backroom, why again not important.
Each time Natalia, takes another soul, two things occur, first a natural disaster and secondly it all becomes reported on RNN (in this case fake news). Besides gathering victims, when she does suck and drinks their blood an on screen meter fills up – (WHAT?), she enjoys lounging in the sunlight and trying on lingerie.
Fret not, she meets up with The Ice Queen (Marti Suti – her only movie), who states she’s from the sequel, clicks her heels together to vanish – the filmmakers were thinking, I mean planning ahead. Please NO! Then over to a sorority house, in the middle of the woods, well the audience gets color finally on the screen. We meet new pledges Buffy (an original name, played Kathy Presgrave) this character becomes a fearless vampire killer, Jodi (YvetteDavis), and Tina (Shay Moore) who enjoys virtual goggles – and watching an interactive makeup video. Oh, what fun (groan). This trio lead by Inga (Shari Blum) sporting a dominatrix outfit, Chris (Lisa Roesen), the man masquerading as a lesbian, and the spiritualist Mel (Rachel Wolkow), fill out the sorority house, thank god.
The movie truly awful and more dreadful moments filter throughout it, switching back to klutz Vlad who gives goofy comical lines. Meeting Buffy’s boyfriend, Jim (Kenny Gibbs), though actual name Jim Beam Hall (if not aware, this comes the choice drink of the movie – it’ll help if you try this messed up movie!
The character Jim fights the vampire in the left side of his body with his human right side. Wait I can top it, remember, we have college sorority girls of which one, pre-med, bring on the brainpower. Aside from a 3-second clip of Nosferatu (1922), the quality lies in ruins, along with story, as it includes subtitles in English for English dialogue – as if showing the character really thinks, Natalie later refers to them, why don’t people talk plainly. It plays on the terrific comedy Airplane (1980) with a nod to jive talking and translating it, works there not here by any means.
In many vampire movies the choice spots first the jugular vein, and then more erotic the inner thigh, as was shown in Once Bitten (1985), but her rear contains the vital spot, though the viewers don’t see it, thank goodness. Did I mention the zombie fashion show, television commercial ad and music video, yes, it has all of that too, as well as mixing the knowledge of zombies and vampires, along with voodoo (regular dolls) too.
Lastly, Sorority House Vampires contains three different endings and one with a band playing some song at the end of the movie. Now, the movie Clue (1985) contained false endings scenarios as did the maestro of gimmick filmmaking director William Castle with his movie Mr. Sardonicus (1961) this movie of Valois’ neither of this quality of films.
CAUSES OF DEATH:
No movie exists which doesn’t contain any flaws, but these films, filled with the goofs, errors, mistakes, such as the RNN logo of the fake news show during the actual flick – oops. However this isn’t anywhere near the level of issues leveled at the production, the drained color effect in the beginning of the movie, what reason for it or just another mistake, images appear out of focus at times, and muddle dialogues always plaguing the audio. The script suffers too, with cheap lines, layer over corniest jokes, and bizarre references to real life people, including one actress stating “I’ll be the next Bette Milder” – I think not! Many horror films have low budgets, acceptable, but the filmmakers need to present solid aspects on a myriad of technical issues. Even the simulated sexual moments, require better acting, along with the editing and framing all aid delivering this movie into the realm of DOA, the cinematography shared by Karen Bean, who previously worked in the camera department on Saturday the 14th (1981) and uncredited Michael Goi.
SUMMARY FROM INVESTIGATOR:
Sometimes bad concepts need never leave one’s brains, and herein not only did the tale need to stay dead and someone needs a neurological exam for their brains, this results in nothing memorable, only misery. This comedic horror lacks enjoyment, not even the supposed T&A and hint of risqué sexual references could save the production, especially with over four versions of the same movie released and none better than the previous. This wretched mess, best left buried and removed from the vampire lore, and banished from the zombie genre too, though available on YouTube.
- Death , Demons, D-Cups!
IMDb Rating: 1.7/10
Baron’s Rating: 1.5/10