CASE NUMBER #125
This a return to the DOA Graveyard, however this review done prior to the discovery of these hidden grounds, since then it was reevaluated and assigned this case number, just watch your step, it’s sometimes hard to get slimy or gooey off oneself, especially when trying to avoid the wretched corpses in the horror genre.
AUTOPSY OF THE FILM:
Sometimes a viewer will find a movie that is very bad and yet good for the laughs even past the groans, and then there’s the other bin, the one containing, the awful flicks, without loads of redeeming qualities, and sadly that is Arachnicide (aka L9 Commando). Directed by Paolo Bertola, known for his TV-movies The Witch of Malbacco (2015) and Virtually Dead (2014) with his Italian action horror movie, who uses the former scary sharks, bugs, and of course, spiders, which now all seem to have the raging influx of Freudian aspects the bigger the scarier, far from it in true horrors. The production company that housed the project, See Thru Pictures presented a dreadful rendition of a c-grade movie on a budget of $670,950 for this non-entertaining flick of 91-minutes, as this review will discuss, but lucky enough was able to secure distribution through Brain Damage in May of 2016.
Many movies serve the purpose of sheer entertainment and others as the junk food of the brain this film provides both the tummy and headaches in the realm of endless over dubbing of voice to exceptional deep bass output and poor dialogue, along with a jumble and tumble of bizarre CGI and plot concepts which allows us to see the biggest globe of the Earth on a screen likely in any movie and the fakest looking satellite that the operator of zoom control shudders to control. First the positive a good solid duo of a sniper team, wearing ghillie suits professional takes out what appears drug lords, though unsure as the information on the targets is written in green on a jungle background, white always works better and clearer to read, if one cares about the audience. Aside from this aspect, likely the best line in the movie “This is a military operation and not a science fiction movie!” which does bring the briefest smile and good laugh pointing fun at itself and for the viewer to enjoy. The plot of this dull film, a researcher designs an incubator to accelerate the growth of plants, now harvested by the drug lords to manufacture their deadly products at faster qualities at a cheaper rate, also lure the authorities into a deadly web (pun intended) of death, as they used it to create a large 8-legged menace. The United Nations enlists an elite team of six of the best soldiers of different Special Forces Units for the operation of laboratories destruction in Albania and the sinister plans of the criminal organization, by the skilled hands of L9 Commandos and one doctor. Leading up to the mission allows for the strangest music that ideally belongs in a porn movie, and very odd tilting angles of a long white hallway and the longest repeating sequence of military planning of one location. Meanwhile adding in cuts of a laboratory where, for what reasons perhaps the enemy is hard at work, otherwise it leaves viewer even more confused. Soon enough the commando applies the face paint, in the most haphazardly manner possible, sorry they’re no elite from Predator (1987), rather very sloppy, even the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz wore his paint better. Early on actress Crisula Stafida (Dr. Sarti) and Gabriel Cash (Lieutenant Kolman) start a friendly bond, as he strives for a younger Dolph Lundgren appearance, while the rest of team doesn’t even make it to the list of credits on the IMDb, aside from Gino Barzacchi and Riccardo Longhi, Major and Colonel respectively. Soon enough, knowing the intended audience Bertola moves the film into the longest repeating action sequence of an endless gun battle against increasing numbers of various spiders, who shown themselves via satellite to the Colonel back at headquarters. The spiders are shown partially on screen, and using their legs to grab at the soldiers in slo-mo as well as shadows on the wall, with the accompanying sounds similar to Eight Legged Freaks (2002). The silliest, a fist bumping no-named commando soldiers armed with bayonets ready to macho duel the oversize spiders, while another on the outside of the lab, has the largest CGI explosion possible from one hand grenade, misproportions reign supreme.
CAUSES OF DEATH:
The film lacks understanding, no appearance to fun loving b-movies, rather squarely in the c-movie, more for cable, and yet lacks any T&A or even a hinted of suggestive scenes, unless one counts the inappropriate porn influence music at completely the wrong time. All the campiness is lost before the movie starts, and muddles in the middle, before losing control in the middle and rushed at the end, loading itself with very wooden expressionism, and highly hit and miss, on delivery, adult film stars have more emotion in just one scene than collective performance. One hoped for the pop-ups on the screen or downright swaps and dashes of the famed Adam West’s Batman series just to leave some silliness on the screen, but alas it never comes to the rescue.
Arachnicide delivers a laundry list of screw ups and misplaced logic, from a DVD box artwork that never really occurs in the film and that huge spider appears after 45-minutes into the movie, far after the worst drone explosion on the CGI spectrum and more disjointed scenes possible. The special effects team did a horrendous job at decorating with fake Spirit Halloween webbing, and thoroughly unbelievable to the youngest viewer, no fear factors herein and nothing to really to engage the viewer.
SUMMARY FROM INVESTIGATOR:
As a reviewer I strive to find something redeeming about a film, the one thing to build to a more positive response however this movie doesn’t have the attributing or defining moment to both save it and ask for your time and money. Director Mike Mendez’s Lavalantula (2015) covered with CGI galore spiders brought more cheesy fun and campiness to the screen early and often than this movie ever does, and makes one wonder what’s on television more lively including c-span to watch Congress, while Arachnicide tries it fails to spin any rememberable moments.
IMDb Rating: 2.2/10