Well this month, and the 30th Anniversary of Shark Week, felt it was only proper to venture down to the coast that borders one side of the DOA graveyard, to the other side there’s swamp, however not going to tell what else surrounds these wretched grounds. Hence I located another hideous creation, masking itself with a rating of 3.2 from the IMDb, buried in the shallow water line, but the question this time is it DOA or just a bad horror movie, this might prove more difficult. One must note the shark horror movies, the best and finest creation really a thriller called Jaws (1975), Tintorera (1977) then in the 80s a few more shark movies of the Jaws franchise turned belly up, by the 90s the species largely left alone, Aatank (1996) and Deep Blue Sea (1999) to name a few. However, in the 2000s the return of this version of animal attacks started again, Open Water (2003), Megalodon (2004), and Blue Demon (2005), but by 2010 and onward the feeding frenzy was in full swing, with more ridiculous titles, plots, storylines and ludicrous mockups of CGI (crazy goofy incarnations). Thanks to Sharktopus (2010) and Sharknado (2013) leads to the abomination of 2-Headed Shark Attack (2012) and eventually 5-Headed Shark Attack (2017), now to determine if this really should find inclusion in the Land of DOA.
CASE NUMBER #109
The Asylum studio made this flick, not Syfy who often creates these wonderous CGI creatures, however they claimed the 5-headed shark which appears as a demented starfish, this is a starfish (insert in a picture), I thought okay, cool a spinning series of shark heads and countless rows of teeth, but nope viewers witness this ridiculousness (insert picture). The film shows 4 heads in the front, a spoiler the fifth appears much later on the tail end. Oh, just to inform everyone, a shark urinates through their skin, and turds in yellow clouds before the tail fin. So how does the tail mouth eat? More on that tasty morsel later. However, the director of this monstrosity Nico De Leon who only has this credit to his name, the rest perhaps eaten by a shark, although the story writing credit goes to Jacob Cooney known for Isle of the Dead (2016) and 3-Headed Shark Attack (2015) while sharing credit with Bill Hanstock who assisted in the 3-Headed flick. An additional note, though those responsible for the screenplay falls to Stephen Meier, Sean P. Hale, and Daniel Lawlor, who earned the credit of a writer for this product filled strange mismatching dialogue.
AUTOPSY OF THE FILM:
It all starts with a bikini shoot on a fancy yacht, snapping pictures and then multiple dorsal fins appear zipping at increased speed with these people gathering on the back of the boat and point at sharks while clicking pictures. Even if not a 5-headed shark, and just a normal one this definitely is not a safe location, they can leap. Anyway, back to the mess, so the sharks gobble the victims, fake sharks, fake blood, fake scene, next… A team of young marine biologists team up with their graduate professor and her greedy boss, Thaddeus Marshall (Jeffrey Holsman) who wants to capture the beast to display in his aquarium. Holsman’s portrayal reminds me of the character named, David Reed (Richard Carlson) from Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954), that same ruthless trait existing in the characters. He uses every tactic to convince others to assist him in the process, money, prestige, scientific awards even later the motive revenge on previous killings, quite comical. Such as when their friend Sean (Jorge Navarro) who becomes fish food, he encourages the biologists to help by stating your dead friend would want this, the dialogue exchanged is quite dull even comical. UGH! Nikki Howard (Sinister Minister [2017]) portrays Dr. Angie Yost, who’s a shark expert as well as a marine biologist, and later reteams with a former love-interest, Red (Chris Bruno (Jack the Reaper [2011]) who possesses a very large arsenal of guns and bombs aboard his vessel and who tells many tall tales of shark encounters, which sound a whole lot better than this rotting fish. Meanwhile, the students work to kill the beast, however they sadly are very much one-dimensional characters Ram (Chris Costanzo) and Lindsay (Michelle Cortes (Toxic Shark [2017])) give a techie side, but not much more, mainly due the water stained script. One last thing the box art doesn’t match the actual creature. Oops!
A surprise element, no one actually says anything about a 5-headed shark, it’s always four, namely the fifth doesn’t emerge until halfway in the movie… so actually we the audience get a complete set, 3, 4, 5- headed sharks. Now the movie does reference Jaws 2 (1978) with the taking down of a helicopter, but so over-the-top one needs only to groan. Speaking of groans, this creature growls underwater the how and why, who knows? As for how the fifth mouth feeds, well whatever the 4 front mouths miss and that flows through the body.
CAUSE OF DEATH:
First, the movie squanders the exquisite filming location of Puerto Rico using their Film Commission and Film Incentives Program these also used for Toxic Shark (2017). In the film the area simply becomes known as nice beaches, beautiful scenic views and gorgeous water, numerous bikini shots, tourists and just two police officers. If one thinks it’s a b-movie send-up, it’s not, the humor misses by mles, and no fish-finder could locate an ounce of fun, the body count lacks greatly, and the design of the shark just laughable, yet not in a manner which contains any excitement.
SUMMARY FROM INVESTIGATOR:
In careful research one found that this movie spawns another sequel, and you guess it, entitled 6-Headed Shark Attack (2018) releasing possibly in the fall, from director Mark Atkins. Nevertheless, is the movie a DOA or not, well it is, the movie contains nothing of interest, except for nice scenery, and plenty of goofs, merely creating a viewer to frown and play with their phones. A quick recap, shark munching on people, individuals hunting a shark, shark explosions of blood splays and dolphin sounds echoing both above and below water.
Tagline: You can’t survive the five!
https://www.facebook.com/AsylumFilms/
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt6719524/
IMDb Rating: 3.2/10
Baron’s Rating: 2/10