Most screenwriters develop a story first and build from that starting with the title is a working one not the first, they don’t often attempt to make it define the plot. However, writers Stewart Williams and Paul Hupfield did that and the absurd commercial title that could have been so much more with a callback to the gothic heyday of Hammer Studios. The script was directed to only one core demographics, teenage boys to young men, everyone else is clearly ignored from the flat-lined jokes. The script languished in a developmental hell for several years before director Phil Claydon (Helloween [2025]) rescues it and later found backing from Alliance Films, Momentum Pictures, and AV Films
The film haphazardly echoes back to the lesbian vampire trope which was once made popular by Hammer Studios, namely their Karnstein trilogy The Vampire Lovers [1970], Lust for a Vampire [1971], and Twins of Evil [1971], this led to also film creations such as Vampyros Lesbos [1970], Daughters of Darkness [1971], all based off of various versions author J. Sheridan Le Fanu’s Carmilla (1872) predates Bram Stoker’s Dracula by 25-years. Although, throughout the years this trope has had some highlights, leaving behind the exploitation that was geared towards the male gaze now incorporates and examines LGBTQ relationships such Vampire Diary [2006] and Theresa & Allison [2019]. For equal good measure, the highly censored Dracula’s Daughter [1936] shown subtext of character’s futile resistance the urges and the layered gothic new age film The Hunger [1983].
Vera Filatova as EvA
The film with a backstory of how crusader Baron Wolfgang Mclaren, returns from battle to discover his wife Eva (Vera Filatova), became a vampire, slayed the vampire Carmilla (Silvia Colloca (Sting [2024])), by forging a sword from the Book of Nekros, used a Babylonian hex and his own blood to decapitate her, but before she died, she places a curse on townsfolk their daughters at the age of eighteen will become lesbian vampires. Hello time jump… Jimmy (Matthew Horne) and Fletch (James Corden) are two good friends living in London, Jimmy is dumped by his girlfriend for the seventh time, she only comes back to squeeze more money, cars, shelter after each tawdry love affair ends in despair, meanwhile Fletch is fired by Ms. Rossi (Emma Clifford (Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead [2009])), his boss from his job as a clown for punching another child at a birthday party. These two bumbling buds are clearly a different version of Shaun and Ed from Shaun of the Dead [2004], as they meet up at pub knocking back pints trying figure what to do for holiday (aka vacation). The answer chosen by a dart throw at an old map on the wall (which is a goat symbol for lust used a devil cult next to it) for a hiking trip to Cragwich in Norfolk, England.
Silvia Colloca
As they approach the tavern called The Baron’s Rest a group of ladies bobs out into a VW van the pals enter only to find grumpy old men. As they some free pints a vicar (Paul McGann (Alien³ [1992])) shows with his alluring daughter Rebecca (Emer Kenny) demanding the townsfolk to follow him into the woods to fight the vampiric evil suddenly he spots Jimmy driving the vicar nutty. The boys learn those ladies are on their way to cottage up the road, Fletch is all gung-ho, leading the charge, though unbeknownst to them a trap is set.
Mathew Horne, James Corden, Paul McGann,and MyAnna Buring
The guys and gals, Heidi, Lotte, Anke and Trudi arrive at their destination, (the music is reminiscent of Friday the 13th [1980]) and continue to party soon enough Heidi(Tiffany Mulheron) and Anke (Louise Dylan (Piggy [2012])) are turned into vampires soon afterwards so is Trudi (Ashley Mulheron (The Task [2011])) turned to evil. Jimmy’s ex-girlfriend Judi arrives at the cottage door after hunting him down, the twirp still is unwilling to end the relationship passing over Lotte (MyAnna (Devil’s Playground [2010])) who reveals to Fletch she is a virgin, this will be important later. Soon the gooey killing of vampires starts, and the vicar saves Fletch from impending doom of Trudi’s fangs with running water. Herein we learn a bit more Mclaren’s bloodline and how Jimmy ties into the prophecies as his blood mixes with a virgin Carmilla will have her resurrection.
Mathew Horne and Vera Filatova
Soon, the vicar attempts to inform Fletch about ways to kill the vampire, how the tone and scene sound very familiar, as if From Dusk Till Dawn [1996] has a scene like this and while some critic pointed the foolish of Fetch using holy water fill condoms the same exact technique was praised in FDTD, go figure. Meanwhile the vampires are inadvertently invited as they seize Lotte and him, and Eva smells the blood of each discovering their connection secret while at Carmilla’s tomb. Fletch makes several juvenile lame jokes concerning the magical sword used to battling the evil underworld of lesbian bloodsuckers. Nonetheless some things are never reversed and simply embrace.
First the forced comedy is a major letdown, it never lives up to the homage and when the jokes and gags are felt forced, no matter the talent it cannot overcome. Which leads to the next issue the acting is all over the place, sometimes too dramatic and far too lame, with a very bizarre opening sequence. Corden is doing most of the lifting for the film which presents as too over-the-top while is counterpoint Horne has a ho-hum attitude. One wonders, were they attempting an update version Lou Costello and Bud Abbott comedic team however, they never get close to any golden treasures rather tiresomely repeatedly using offensive words and pitiful dry laughs. The film incorporated plenty of superficial tropes for the male gaze for the film, which knew that was the targeted audience, and never branches outward to give a more meaningful respectful exploration. Lastly, shockingly the film contains less nudity and eroticism than the Hammer films from nearly 40-years earlier. The women herein wear skimpy outfits, and the camera obscenely lingers slowly over their bodies and omits the title of lesbianism aside from women in close proximity to each other with kissing.
The Lesbiian Vampires
I think everyone can surmise this film is not scary at all, a far leap to call it a horror-comedy it never tries to parody itself and actual horror lacks as it received plenty of negative responses which it justly deserves, even though Cordon feels embarrassed over the movie. Clearly the product on the screen has a rush feel and uses other input of previous moves move the story along and the ridiculous usage of comic book action words on top of scene are pointless. If you sought a better British dark comedic flick it would Doghouse [2009] because the only reason this film as an average rating is for fans of Cordon, nothing else.
TAGLINES:
- Two no-hopers. One cursed village. One hell of a night!
- THEY WON;T GO DOWN WITHOUT A BITE… (all-caps U.S. one sheet)
- After Twilight, The Real Party Starts
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1020885/
IMDb Rating: 5.1/10
Baron’s Rating: 4.0/10