Christmas horror movies will always be that unique niche market, a true subgenre of late, in the 70s and into the 80s it was a common one-off film for the season, but with the incorporation of nutty storylines, Krampus, St Nick, and Elves it all allowed for hell to freeze over unleashing blood good cheer, to a thoroughly overabundance of giddy jolly joy. Therefore, what else would you expect from The Horror Times, but reviewing likely one of the strangest plot concepts for a holiday movie. I’m repeating this for good measure, because regardless of how naughty you’ve been, you don’t need to torture yourselves too much, as I watch some of the strangest, weirdest off the wall movies, all to spare many of you the headaches and this flick is definitely up there in terms of lunacy. I also want to reinforce the fact that the film is filled with insanity, which involves concepts of Nazis, possible the Fourth Reich, the Book of Genesis and God’s belief in Elves oh yes, with even another couple of sick items on the list. Do I have your attention?
The film serves director Jeff Mandel’s only horror film, although he did a thriller called Turnaround [1998], he also wrote it along with Mike Griffin and Bruce A. Taylor (Open Graves [2009]), as they created a zany b-movie filled with nonsensical portions committed to the screen, finding distribution from Action International Pictures (AIP).
It begins with a trio of so-called teenage/college girls led by an innocent Kristen (Julie Austin (Fatal Exposure [1989])) and her two boy crazy friends Brooke (Laura Lichstein) and Amy (Stacey Dye) who are willing to please their boyfriends regardless of emotions or fears and by the way have an interest in the occult. They even have nickname for their pack ‘Sisters of Anti-Christmas’ which later is changed to ‘Masters Without Slaves’ either way its unimportant, as they venture into the woods, where Kristen is forbidden to be there, but who cares, she’s with her grandfather’s (Borah Silver) mystical book. She performs a goofy seance and inadvertently slashes her left palm which will lead to the resurrection of the film’s only three-foot breeding experimental Nazi elf, that’s correct the movie has only one, the title tad misleading; oops. Kristen’s life at home is riddled with problems, a perverted little brother Willy (Christopher Graham), who enjoys swearing in front of their mother (Deanna Lund (Sting of Death [1966])) who punishes Kristen for getting home late by taking away the money in her bank account and giving it to her brother. Wait it gets worse and sicker not in a good way. Kristen also works the worst job as a waitress in a lousy diner inside the mall, her terrible boss Hugh and the Santa is sex monster who insists Kristen gives him oral sex, he’s murdered with his nuts sliced off before sorting his coke. Then enters Mike McGavin (Dan Haggerty (The Chilling [1989])), a former drunk and police detective who gets hired as the new Santa and finds himself in chaos including a silly long running gun battle inside the department store.
McGavin attempts to figure out the occult symbols by going to the library, and here is where the elf movie makes its one true comedic line; and is told the occult sciences is in section 666 which he thinks is some kind of joke. Here, the movie does a few line references to other movies for example, one segment is when there’s no more room in hell, the elves will walk the earth, clearly a nod to Dawn of the Dead [1978]. Then one screenwriter went looney, Kirsten’s grandpa was involved in a Nazi-elf project and is her father (eww) in addition McGavin learns that in the Bible’s Book of Revelation, Kristen must mate with the elf on Christmas Eve to create the Fourth Reich. How did this come to fruition, we learn from Dr. Fitzgerald, that in Genesis Chapter 6 God decides to destroy the world, then reconsiders by saving Noah, his family and of course the animals, and the little ones not insects rather elves, God loves them. As for how it ends well – bizarrely…
Oh, where to begin, atrocious dialogue, truly fake German accents, a nonsensical plot, why incorporate the bible, and use a made-up book on crazy folklore. There’s a lack of massive blood loss, and a ridiculous looking elf, very plastic, awkward movements, and yet “elf-vision” incorporated but he never closes his mouth and fears small mechanical toys. So, he’s not too bright, then again, he’s a Nazi creation. The movie is filled with countless inconsistencies from lighting problems sound, framing and strange transitions in the scenes. One in particular that seems to have eluded the PETA folks, is the drowning of Kristen’s cat in a toilet, by her mother, because she despises it, just note it’s the late 80s, and no political correctness existed.
Simply this film is nuttier than any fruitcake, there is no monster to fear, rather a lame elf creature, it contains some mean elements a new discovery and unfriendly pet conditions, where’s Church from Pet Sematary [1989] when you need him. It’s nowhere near scary you want that, seek out Black Christmas [1974] and my advice, skip this, unless you have someone on your naughty list.
TAGLINE:
- They don’t work for Santa anymore!
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0099496/
IMDb Rating: 4.1/10
Baron’s rating: 3.5/10